2am Mid-Take-Home-Final Musings

I'm worried about us. But most importantly, I'm worried about him.

It still scares me how much he's come in and taken over my life. He pushes me to be more open, to think less, to enjoy life. I feel like I'm grown so much in relation to how I used to act in relationships. He's totally the girl in our relationship. But if he wasn't, I know I would act just as standoffish and distant as I was with Cameron. I think I needed this.

But at the same time, no relationship is perfect. The thing that worries me the most is this: I'm not sure he makes me want to be a better person. You enter relationships because you love people. You admire them, their passion, their likes, etc. Being around them should make you want to be better, do better than you currently are. They should make you strive to be the best you can be. To push you towards your goals just as you push them towards theirs. But with George, it's so hard. I know he has problems focusing and finding motivation and I'm scared this is rubbing off on me. He's so into "the now" and how he feels "in the moment" that I'm worried he's not focusing enough on what can benefit him in the future. I've been drilled into the school of thought that in order to achieve what I want, it's okay to give up my current satisfaction. I know what I want and that's dental school. And I also know that if I put in time, I will (hopefully) reap the rewards later. That's how it works right? You do work to reap benefits. The seeds ain't going to sow themselves. I want so badly to push him to his highest potential. I know he can do more than he believes he can but I also don't want to be his mom. I do know one thing: I don't want to catch this unproductive virus and spiral to the bottom again. I've been there and I'm never going back. 

The other day I tried to tell this to him but I couldn't make the words leave my mouth. How to do tell someone that you don't like what the relationship is pushing you towards? How do you say that to someone who's so dedicated to making it work? What I really need to do is to go back to the drawing board and start trying as hard as he is. I've always been to scared to get too involved but what the hell. It doesn't make me happy being nervous all the time. 

This semester has been really tough. Between trying to be a good RA, dealing with student orgs, and spending time with George, my grades have gone down the shit hole. Literally. It makes me disgusted to see myself in the morning. But mistakes don't come around just so you can repeat them. 

So here's my pledge to 2013: 4.0 the WHOLE year. I don't care if I have to quit all my organizations. My grades are coming first from now on. I promise.